February 17, 2014
Recently, Leonardo DiCaprio said that he will get married “when the time is right”, during an interview on CBS. This has sparked speculation about whether the lucky lady will be one of the two women he’s currently linked to — Toni Garrn, a 21-year old Victoria’s Secret model, or Nina Agdal, a 21-year old Victoria’s Secret model. DiCaprio himself is 39.
It’s common knowledge that Leonardo DiCaprio dates hot, young models. It’s such common knowledge, in fact, that Tina Fey and Amy Poehler made fun of him about it at the Golden Globes, introducing him with the line “Like a supermodel’s vagina, let’s all give a warm welcome to Leonardo DiCaprio.” (I actually laughed as I typed that.)
Listen, this is ridiculous. Leo is one of the best actors of his generation. He appears to be smart, conscientious, and kind. All of this playing around with young hot ladies is fine and good, but when he settles down, it should be with an equal.
Here are 10 women who would do just fine.
(Please note that, for the purpose of this fantasy, we’re pretending all of these ladies are single. Just go with it.)
Amy Adams, age 39
Amy Adams is an excellent match for Leo. Like him, she’s one of the top actresses in her class, and has proven her talent again and again. Like him, she is regularly snubbed by the Academy — she’s been nominated for Best Actress 5 times (this year’s nom, for American Hustle, is her fifth) but hasn’t yet won.
She’s also incredibly hot, and her body has proven to be magical. They would have hot sex, stimulating conversation, disagreements about philosophical things that would lead to more hot sex, and beautiful children.
Natalie Imbruglia, age 39
Ok, sure, this is a little out of left field, but hear me out. Natalie and Leo were both big hits in the 90s, but since then they’ve taken different paths. Now, Leo is a big star, and Natalie is someone we all remember fondly but don’t know much about. In other words, she knows what he’s going through, but she’s not directly involved in the industry anymore: perfect.
In addition, she has grown into a smoking hot 39 year old, and she could totally sing to their kids.
Hilary Swank, age 39
I’m not POSITIVE about this one, because Hilary might scare Leo. But if she didn’t — if he could step up, be a man, and be HER man — what a power couple they’d be.
Chloe Sevigny, age 39
Similar to Hilary, but a little bit more innovative, more fashionable. Chloe would challenge the fuck out of Leo, and demand he be a better man. She would read his scripts and tell him to insist on changes. She would laugh at him when he flirted with their young waitress. But he would love the challenge.
Rachel Weisz, age 43
Talk about sophistication. Rachel is a vision; in my mind, she glides rather than walks. With her hair swooped back in a low bun, she’d nurture Leo’s dreams, but also wouldn’t let him get away with anything. At night, he’d rest his head on her bosom, and she’s stroke his hair while he talked about his day. Occasionally they would both burst into laughter. What a sweet life.
Rosemarie DeWitt, age 41
I think Leo could do really with with this indie darling. She’s beautiful in an understated way, and I could just see them on summer vacation together, her hair all beachy and the both of them totally relaxed. He would find her sarcastic tone charming; a refreshing difference from the bland conversation he’s used to.
Naomi Watts, age 45
Naomi Watts LOOKS like she’s 21, so I’m throwing him this one as a favor. This woman is fucking insanely beautiful, plus she’s talented and graceful and smart. Why would you not marry her?
Marion Cotillard, age 38
Oh, beautiful Marion. This marriage would be worth it for the wedding photographs alone.
She would treat him gently, but she’d hold her own. And he would be in awe of her.
Vera Farmiga, age 40
Because, after their love scene in The Departed, it has to be. That couldn’t be it for the two of them, could it? Oh man they were both so hot in that movie. Plus, she’s funny. They would be really jokey.
Kate Winslet, age 38
I don’t need to tell you why Kate and Leo should be together forever. It’s because they are in love. It’s because they always have been. It’s because they belong together.
KATE AND LEO FOREVER.
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