February 22, 2013

So, you’re in a relationship rut, and aren’t feeling super alive? Wondering if you and your hubby will make it through the winter, and also if you’re still a person? Look no further – this list will tell you all you need to know.

1. You Never Have Sex Anymore

The surest way to tell if you are in a dead end relationship is to take note of your sex life. Have you had sex in the last one to six months? If you and your partner no longer feel like touching each other is the best use of your time, and in fact feel like touching each other is the last thing you’d ever want to do, chances are you have swerved off of Great Relationship Street and onto Dead End Relationship Drag. Intimacy is important, and sex provides intimacy that you just can’t get from sitting on opposite ends of the couch and arguing about that weird episode of “Girls.”

Similarly, if you have not had sex in one to six months, are not feeling any sexual urges, and cannot feel your body in an earthly way and are not consciously aware of it (or of anything), you are probably dead.

2. You Don’t Make Each Other Laugh

When did you and your partner last share a chuckle? If it was pre the release of the first “Austin Powers” movie, you may be in trouble. Laughter releases endorphins which bring you closer, whereas actively not laughing slowly drives you further and further towards mutual attempted murder. If you’ve started to think your partner’s jokes are not just un-funny, but actually THE DUMBEST FUCKING THINGS YOU’VE EVER HEARD, it might be a sign that it’s time to take a closer look at the relationship.

By the same token, if you have not laughed at all since before the release of the first “Austin Powers” movie, and you don’t have the technical ability to laugh because your body is covered in dirt that has been pressing down on it since 1997, it is very likely that you have been dead and traditionally buried for fifteen years.

3. You Never Cook Together

Everyone knows that the ultimate sign of couple-hood is cooking dinner as a couple. Real couples regularly have an apartment to themselves, allowing them to wear comfortable but sexy clothing while listening to soothing, hip music and trying out dishes which prominently feature eggplant and whole wheat pasta. These couples drink red wine out of large wine glasses and often pause the cooking activity they are performing to make out while slow dancing. Frequently, one or both members of the couple will get some kind of ingredient in his or her hair, prompting his or her partner to brush it aside and declare (possibly in a British accent): “You’re beautiful, just as you are.” Some variation of this evening is a staple for couples that are in a Good Place.

If you and your partner don’t do this anymore, and have resorted to ordering separate containers of takeout and then eating them separately, in separate houses, it’s a sign that perhaps the passion is waning. With that said, also be aware that if you have not recently cooked dinner, have not consumed food or nutrients of any kind for an extended period of time, and are in fact incapable of opening your mouth or tasting or processing substances (liquids and solids), you are probably no longer alive.

4. You Don’t Take Vacations Together

How often does Groupon send you an email containing a fabulous deal for a stay for 2 people for 2 nights in Vermont? If you’re an average person with average internet use, you receive an email advertising this discounted trip three to five times per weekday. Do you open the email and think about purchasing the trip for you and your partner? Do you buy winter-y but still very small lingerie to wear while you cuddle in a cabin near a fireplace? Do you google “sexy cocktails” and then purchase the listed ingredients so that the two of you can stay trapped in a cabin room, getting drunk together and saying nice things about each other’s bodies and eyes?

If you answered “No” to the first and then subsequent questions, chances are you are in a dead end relationship. On a related note, if you are not capable of going to Vermont or even cognitively aware that Vermont, or the world around you, exists, it is likely that you are dead, and will never take a vacation again in any season. People you knew and loved might go to Vermont to get away from their sadness and deal with their loss, but your death will prevent you from knowing about it.

5. You Hate Each Other

When your partner speaks, does it make you immediately angry? When out in public with your partner and his or her friends, do you feel embarrassed that you’ve linked yourself with such a loser? Do you often find yourself thinking, “If I could, I would strangle you,” or “I can’t believe you thought that was an appropriate thing to say in this situation, what the fuck is wrong with you?” In the bedroom, does the sight of your partner’s naked body fill you with a deep disappointment about what you always believed you deserved and now will never get?

If so, it is likely that you hate your partner, and thus are in a dead end relationship.

If you do not feel hate for anyone because your hate has passed from your physical body and into the lives of those you’ve left behind, and you do not feel any emotion at all, and you cannot breathe and there is no blood pumping through your veins, then it is incredibly likely that your life has ended and you will never have a relationship with anyone ever again. You’re dead.


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