March 14, 2013

Let me start by being honest: I’ve been fairly judgmental about brunch-related articles in the past. Articles that detail the perks of brunch, articles that talk about the best brunch spots, articles that chronicle long, boozy brunches — I’ve seen them all, and I’ve been known to say things like “Ooo, another article about brunch! Shoot me in the goddamn face.” I’ve said that many times. So, if you’re saying that, I hear you.

However, I’ve recently come to understand that while I can judge all I want, I can’t deny the presence of brunch in my life and the lives of those around me. Things have changed; in 2012, I hardly thought about brunch at all! My weekend mornings and afternoons were spent consuming coffee and cereal and toast — items that I could find in my kitchen or at my local Starbucks, but never in a brunch establishment. But in the months that have so far comprised 2013, I’ve been dating someone new. And he’s really great, but he has one major flaw: he LOVES brunch.

Listen, it’s crazy. He and his roommates go to brunch sometimes TWICE A WEEKEND. They try new spots, they love bloody mary’s, they’re into all kinds of hash. And I really like this guy, so I’ve been, for the past month or so, gamely going along for the ride; I wanted to see if an anti-brunch person and a diehard bruncher could make it work. However, these brunch experiences have led me to feel a lot of feelings, and so before I proceed, I’ve decided to share those feelings, in list form (it’s a LIST about BRUNCH! You’ll love it). Here are 5 reasons I hate brunch:

1). It Takes Forever

Brunch takes fucking forever. First, you have to gather the brunch group. This would be easy if no one were hungover, but everyone is hungover and therefore becoming conscious and aware of their text messages at different times. The first person to text about brunch must wait at least two hours before hearing from the last person to join the event. This is nearly guaranteed. As a result, the first few people who get on the brunch train are absolutely STARVING by the time the group has actually left for brunch.

After leaving for brunch, you have to arrive there. This entails hungover travel, which is followed by hungover arrival in a crowded, noisy place. The hostess is inevitably stressed out and bitchy, and the wait is 45 minutes to an hour. Now you have to hang around while your stomach gnaws at itself and your hangover ups its game and your friends start to annoy you.

Then, you get to sit down! And wait forever for your food.

2). It Ruins Your Day, Food-Wise

Brunch foods, in the context of a day of eating, don’t make any sense. Because here’s what happens: you wake up hungover and ravenous. Then you starve yourself for hours while the group is organized and assembled. By the time you get your food, the hunger has left you a little numb — which then causes you to eat almost all of a meal that is much too large and very confusing, as far as its relationship to breakfast and its relationship to lunch. Giant servings of eggs, potatoes, meats, and breads are not meant to be consumed at one moment in the middle of the day. What are you to do afterwards? When are you allowed to eat again? I find that it entails fasting until dinner, which is then required to be healthy, which sucks. Brunch forces you to waste all of your little indulgences on one giant, uncomfortable indulgence.

Plus, let’s be real, it makes you sick. Let’s review the facts here: you drank way too much last night. You’ve just eaten corned beef hash with two poached eggs and home fries, and had a mimosa and a coffee. You’re exhausted. You need to take a shit, and you need to take it like Right. Now.

3). It Ruins Your Day, Life-Wise

If you’re at brunch, you are probably going to end up drinking. Even if you don’t plan to drink, it’s difficult to make tea sound exciting when everyone around you is getting something alcoholic — very easily, you’ll be convinced, almost always, to change your order. And then, bam, you’re drinking again.

Now I’m not saying that you definitely have to go on a day-drinking bender just because you’ve gone to brunch. But even one drink, combined with the food mentioned above, has the capacity to ruin any life-progressing goals you’d had for the day. Planning to go home after brunch and do your taxes? You’ll be napping, my friend. Thinking you might, maybe, work out later? You won’t. You just won’t. Listen, it’s already 3:30 by the time you leave the restaurant. You’re tipsy and full. You’re done.

4). It Costs One Million Dollars

Brunch costs one million dollars. Coupled with the money you spent when you were feeling so in love with everyone at the bar last night, on top of your ridiculous cab ride home, you’ve now exhausted your budget for the week. Groceries? Were you planning to get some fresh, healthy groceries? Well, now that’s difficult to pull off. You just spent all of your money on brunch, and PLUS, you’re too tired to grocery shop, or to do anything but lie down. You’re broke for the week. Pasta it is.

5). The Alternatives Are So Much Better

Here are some scenarios that could play out if you DON’T go to brunch:

  • If someone’s in your bed, you can stay there with that person for hours, doin whatevvvver you want. OR, if you’re alone in your bed, you can stay there with yourself for hours, doin whatevvvver you want.
  • You can get up and go for a walk, grab a coffee and a bagel, and then do a daytime activity: you could see a movie, or go shopping, or get your errands done, or some combination of all three!
  • You and your friends can meet up at someone’s apartment and cook a bunch of eggs and hang out. It’s so cheap, and there’s no waiting, and you can lie down whenever you need to!
  • You could do a puzzle, or make a collage, or call your parents, or clean your room, or paint your nails weird colors, or bake mini muffins. The day is entirely yours!

What I’m saying is, NOT going to brunch affords you all kinds of opportunities that GOING to brunch eliminates.

So, there you have it: my anti-brunch treatise. After seeing it written out, I have decided to practice good communication in my new relationship and put my foot down where brunch is concerned. He loves it, I hate it; these things happen. My anti-brunch beliefs are strong, but that doesn’t mean I am intolerant to brunchers. I’m confident we’ll get through this, and that my weekend days will stretch magically before me while he gets his brunch on. STAY STRONG, ANTI-BRUNCHERS! There’s a place for us!

One Comment

  1. Bob Richards says:

    Mary gave me you up to date writing site – I have missed your essays – you’re writing is really good and quite humorous. Love your anti-brunch essay. You should an additional one on all-you-can-eat brunch buffets. Talk about fattening up for the day!!! You really loose a Sunday at one of those.


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