July 16, 2013

Once, during an evening workout, I shared a small fitness room with one other dude. We were both on ellipticals, and our proximity meant that we were forced to share a TV screen. As I got elliptical-ing, I was delighted to see that Seinfeld was on. What luck! This will go by fast! I thought.

Then, with horror, I watched as the dude next to me paused his machine. He got off the elliptical and walked to the TV, and, without even a hint of remorse or apology, switched it to a re-run of Two and a Half Men.

In my admittedly snobbish opinion, gym dude is what’s wrong with America. Well, gym dude and one other dude: Chuck Lorre, the creator of Two and a Half Men.

A few days ago, the LA Times reported that, due to conflict with Angus T Jones, the “half man” part of the show, a new character will be added. The new character will be the daughter of Charlie Sheen’s delightful old character, and guess what? She’s GAYY. The network has assured us that, while the role remains uncast, this character will be “sexy and gorgeous.” She’ll also share some traits with her father; ie, she’ll be a sex fiend who’s super into ladies!

2013 has been a great year for gay rights in America, both as far as legalization of marriage and general acceptance. Some might see the inclusion of a gay character on Two and a Half Men as a progressive move. However, if history is any indicator, I’m willing to bet that this won’t be an empowering depiction of a lesbian lifestyle. In fact, I’m fairly sure it will be deeply offensive. I mean, dudes like lesbians, but only if they’re HOT, right? Luckily this lesbian will be SUPER hot! Chicks! Yeah! America!

Chuck Lorre, get outta here. Come, walk with me as I lead you through Chuck Lorre’s Garden of Crap.

Mom (CBS, Fall 2013)

This is Chuck’s latest creation, which will debut this coming fall. When I first heard the description, I was hopeful — Anna Farris and Allison Janney are so funny! And they play mother and daughter! But when I watched the trailer, my heart sank. Of COURSE this isn’t funny. Chuck has created another piece of crap. I wish for Anna Farris and Alison Janney a worthwhile vehicle; with the right material, they’d be brilliant. With this, they’re disappointing.
Mike and Molly (CBS, 2010-2013)
I know that this show has received relative critical acclaim. I’m not in any way doubting Melissa McCarthy‘s considerable talents. I’m simply saying that this show — have you watched it? — is super lame. It’s just dumb, boring, Chuck Lorre-ness. Melissa deserves to headline something better.
The Big Bang Theory (CBS, 2007-2013)

I understand that including this much-beloved show in the Garden of Crap is a controversial choice. I know that you love it, or someone you know loves it. But I’m standing by my opinion, which is that it’s not funny. It’s just not! And I say that as someone who LOVES the occasional sort-of-shitty sitcom (I’m a HUGE How I Met Your Mother fan). This is not of the same quality; the jokes are stale and the premises are old.
This is Chuck Lorre, and it’s lame. That’s just how it is.
Dharma and Greg (ABC, 1997-2002)

To be honest, I used to be sort of into Dharma and Greg, and I don’t think it’s that bad. I include Dharma and Greg not because of its personal flaws, but because of the road it paved for the Garden of Crap that followed. An occasional sub-par sitcom — which is what Dharma and Greg was — is ok! But a long line of them, ending with an offensive and sexist massive hit like Two and a Half Men? That’s no good. It’s no good, Chuck Lorre. I’ll say it again: get outta here.

Explore the garden again on Portable.

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