December 12, 2012

You may be asking yourself, what’s ugly hot? Isn’t that an oxymoron? But I think deep down you know. Ugly hot is that bizarre kind of sexy that’s sort of… ugly. Sexy ugly. Ugly hot. A genre of attractive person all to itself.

An ugly hot guy may not be considered “hot” by conventional standards; we’re not talking about Brad Pitt here. These men have never been described as heartthrobs. What they possess is something deeper and more compelling; their “hotness” is derived from the vibes they give off. Sexy vibes.

Now that we’ve defined that, though — what kind of lady is into this? I mean, first of all, me, but that aside, let me take you on a journey through the kind of person who would be attracted to each of these magnificently ugly sexy hot men.

(Please NOTE that I am writing this from a female, heterosexual point of view. Descriptions may or may not apply to men who are attracted to these men, depending on the man).

Chris Noth

I have to start this list with Mr. Big. Mr. Big was the first person I ever identified as sexy/ugly, and he opened my eyes to the enticing possibility of someone both repulsive and alluring. Even though I thought he was kind of ugly (and also mean), something about him was magnetic. It was a problematic vision of masculinity, but that didn’t make it any less compelling.

If Chris Noth is your dream man, you’re looking for something to conquer. You’re a powerful woman who could have any old stud she wants, but you want someone on your level. You’re accustomed to giving instructions. When your kid calls you while you’re driving to a meeting and he’s forgotten his lunch, you swerve to switch directions and handle it. You’ve got your shit together and you wear heels a lot and you can walk in them, dammit. If you and Chris got together you’d have lots of grown up fights, with real considered arguments hurled at each other like bullets. His ugly side would infuriate you just as the sexy side pulled you in. It would be hot.

Adam Driver

If you’re into Adam Driver, you’ve probably known some pain and are looking for someone who can relate. There’s a boyishness to his sexy ugly vibe, and if that’s drawing you in it’s likely that you are looking for someone to take care of. You’re the kind of lady who volunteers to be the note-taker in a group project; you want to help, and you also want some control. Adam Driver will yell at you, and try to convince you that he’s strong, but in the end he just wants to be held.

Benicio Del Toro

Benicio Del Toro will take care of you. He will take care of THE SITUATION — whatever that situation is. He’s got it. If you dream of Benicio, you are very quiet but very smart. You’re looking for someone who will see that about you without your having to explain it. You’re attracted to dangerous situations but avoid them at all costs; you’re an observer with a dark side. Benicio will single you out and say: You. You are special. You come with me.

There will be a shared understanding that is best left unspoken, and you will ride into the sexy sunset together, probably in a 1985 Chevy Malibu.

Rhys Ifans

If this dude is your cup of tea, it’s likely that you’re very nice, and a little bit weird. You’re not generally that sure where you’re going, and your outfit doesn’t exactly match. You routinely show up late to work balancing four coffees that are all slightly different from what was requested. You’ve got a heart of gold, though, and you’re looking for someone sexy to share it with: Rhys is your kind of sexy. You guys can get together and try to bake something that will ultimately end up ruined, but it won’t matter because you’ll be making out in the kitchen with dough in your hair.

Steve Buscemi

I realize that this is a controversial way to end. I was originally going to leave Steve off the list, as more than one friend told me that that there is “nothing sexy about him at all.” But here’s the thing: I disagree, and I don’t think I’m alone. Yes, sure, Steve Buscemi has a smile that could make a little girl cringe; I’m not denying that. But the man is so TALENTED, so cool and smart and awesome. There’s just something about him… something sexy.

If you’re into Steve Buscemi, you’re in a select group of people who are into Steve Buscemi. You’re attracted to an ability to draw people in, and those piercing eyes really get ya. You’re the kind of person who wants to renovate an old, nearly-falling-apart house. You want to have weird conversations. You want to take long drives that maybe end up at a dump, or some other weird location. You want to feel safe even though everyone else thinks you’re in danger. You want to be the only one who really gets it.

So, what have we learned? Ugly hot is the new regular hot. Vibe is what really makes sex appeal. And we’re into what we’re into, guys. Let’s embrace it.

Read the article in its original beauty on Portable.

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