March 6, 2013
As a child and adolescent, I had very intense, meaningful crushes. I didn’t have much hope that I’d ever have an actual boyfriend – I was awkward and talked REALLY weirdly fast when I got nervous and had a pretty intense dry skin problem – but I did allow myself to fantasize about the hotties I saw on TV and in movies. And hotties there were. Here are 5 of my favorite fake boyfriends, none of whom have gone on to massive stardom or brilliant success, but who remain big deals in my heart. If only we’d met, the steamy times we could have had…
Tom Everett Scott
T.E. Scott will always be Guy Patterson to me. His starring role in Tom Hanks’ directorial debut, That Thing You Do, was enough to bring me to the theater again and again, and even to host a That Thing You Do themed birthday party (everyone got a tape of the hit single for a party favor – it was the best party I’ve ever had). But unfortunately, things never really took off for Tom after that, and he remains under-appreciated.
If Tom Everett Scott had somehow heard about my birthday party and contacted me to ask me out on a date, I would have accepted immediately. He’s got kind of a funny-hot vibe, so I bet he would have been cool with my dry skin problem, and we would have gotten along famously. As his career floundered, he would have sought comfort from our relationship; at the same time, I’d have matured through my ability to support him, and we would have kept each other on an even keel. Today, we’d probably be making dinner plans and finding the good things in life, even sans fame and fortune.
Ethan Embry was also in That Thing You Do, but sadly his character didn’t even have a name (he was just billed as “the bass player”). More memorable is his turn in the brilliant Can’t Hardly Wait, in which he displayed an adorable vulnerability in his love for Jennifer Love Hewitt, a vulnerability that made me swoon. He was SO CUTE, with his bleached hair and his t-shirts. Like, come on world. We should have made him a superstar right then.
I wish I’d met Ethan at that party, when I too was a senior in high school, on the brink of life. I would have convinced him that JLove was too hot for him, that what he really needed was a down girl, someone a little quirky: Me. He would have laughed and agreed, and together we’d have ventured out into our lives. Sure, it would have been tough to maintain a real relationship during our college years, but we’d have stayed great, sexy friends. When we graduated, we both would have moved to the same city, and, with a foundation of support and friendship and sexiness, started our lives together.
The minute Jesse Bradford displayed his “The Clash” t-shirt to Kirsten Dunst in Bring It On, I was hooked (Her: “So, is that your band or something? Him: The Clash???”). He was such a sexy brother, and I often find myself thinking about him as I brush my teeth alone. If only he were here to have a toothpaste-spitting contest, or to show up while I was washing cars in a skimpy bathing suit (maybe not that one. It’d be cool if he showed up while I was doing something else, fully clothed, though).
If Jesse had become my man, I would have pushed him to do better. He’s so damn cute, and I really don’t understand why he never had a leading rom com role – so it must have been his lack of motivation. Not with me by his side! I’d have gone with him to his agent’s office and demanded that she take stock of what a hunk he was! And get him some damn meetings! Look at him, I’d have said, he’s a goddamn star!
Nicholas Brendan as Xander on Buffy was pure adorable joy. He was so sweet and funny and loveable and awkward and great. Who didn’t love Xander? Only the worst kind of people, I’d say.
Nicholas and I would have had an ADORABLE relationship. We would have bumped into each other in the street, and I would have been carrying groceries and he’d have been carrying piles of paper, and neither of us would have been looking and all the things would have flown everywhere. Then we’d have laughed, shyly decided to get coffee, and hung out every day for the rest of our lives. I’m not sure if it would have turned physical or romantic, but we’d have been soulmates in so many ways. Our friends would have just rolled their eyes at how well we got along.
I love Topher. I just love him. I just think he’s the cutest, and the funniest, and he was SO good on That 70s Show, and How To Win a Date With Tad Hamilton, and he was even great in Take Me Home Tonight, and his little comic lilt is adorable, and he’s THE BEST. If it had been up to me, he would have been cast as Nick Carraway in the upcoming adaptation of The Great Gatsby, because he is perfect for that role and so much cuter and more interesting than Tobey Maguire. I really believe Topher should have been a huge big deal, and I am still, daily, rooting for him.
Given the previous paragraph, I can see that any relationship I would have had with Topher may have been a little intense and one-sided. I worship him, and he would have picked up on that. Because he’s generally been passed over, he would have had difficulty not taking advantage of my affections, and the dynamic of the relationship would have been skewed. Still, I can’t help hoping for it. He’s so funny! Even if I am more in love with him than he’ll ever be with me, I still believe it would be worth it for us to give it a shot. Topher, call me. Call me Topher. Just call me.
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