December 21, 2012

There are all kinds of beautiful women. There are petite women and large women and skinny redheads and buxom blondes. Each woman is beautiful in a unique way, and that’s something to be celebrated. However, there is one category of beauty that I want to highlight here today: the Oddly Sexy Woman. What do I mean by Oddly Sexy? I mean the women who possess a beauty that is surprising; odd, yet enticing. These women may require a second look, but that look will find them commanding, majestic, almost royal. Many of these stately ladies have made their way into the hearts of America. Here today, let’s celebrate 5 of them, and see what kind of man might ever measure up.

(Note that this assumes a heterosexual situation. No guarantees that these ladies wouldn’t prefer ladies.)

Hillary Swank


Hillary Swank wins Oscars. She wins them with her back straight and her head held high and her eyes pressed into a squint. She means business, and the men who covet her had better mean business, too.

However, I’m willing to bet that the men who really want Hillary Swank DON’T always mean business. If you’re a dude who’s into Hillary, it’s likely that you’re actually on the casual end of the business spectrum. You don’t want to look amazing every day, but you sure do think it’s sexy that she does. You may frequently eat pizza for dinner, and you’ve been known to often respond to complex text messages with a simple “word.” You’re lookin for a lady to whip you into shape and finally convince you to get your act together, and in your dream world, Hillary would do just that.

Chloe Sevigny


Chloe Sevigny is our prime example of an oddly sexy mess. Her head is firmly pushing up from her shoulders, but sometimes it seems a little too close to the clouds. Her eyes burn with a fiery passion that can occasionally turn to a crazy sort of dull. She’s doing her own thing, and it’s not always in line with what people want or expect.

The man who wants to be Mr. Sevigny is looking for high-minded, long lasting, passionate fights. He’s INTO a little crazy. He’s successfully self-employed and he doesn’t take crap from anybody; except, if he could be so lucky, from Chloe. For her he’ll make an exception, and they’ll fight until they’re both out of breath and dizzy, and then they’ll have weird make up sex. Afterward, she’ll regain her composure and possibly start yelling again.

Idina Menzel


Idina Menzel is a joyously majestic woman. She is always laughing: big, arresting laughs. Her voice can hit a wall and bounce backwards and she’ll stand tall, ready to knock it out of the park again. When she’s happy, she makes everyone around her feel like the luckiest person in the world. But when she’s angry, well…

The man who dreams of Idina is the sort of fellow who has recently come into his own. He may not always have been considered the coolest guy around, but adulthood has been kind to him; he’s hot now, and he knows it. This is his time to get what he deserves, and what he deserves is Idina. At first, she’ll laugh at his advances, but slowly she’ll see what he has to offer and her laugh will turn loving. He’ll make fun of her until she gives in, and they’ll eventually hook up: fireworks. When they’re finally a couple, the two of them will do a lot of striding around, just like he always dreamed.

Jamie Lee Curtis


Jamie Lee Curtis is suspicious. She doesn’t necessarily believe you, no matter what you’re bringing to the table. She perpetually keeps her shoulders back and knows what she’s doing in all situations, and she expects others to earn her respect before they receive it. She’s badass.

The dude who thinks Jamie Lee should be his has already had his heart broken. He doesn’t want to play games; he wants the truth, all the time, about everything. He wants to be told if he’s messed up or if feelings are changing. He doesn’t have time to mess around. This man is a little bit gruff and a little bit tired, but he’s got a lot of life left in him. When he proves himself worthy of Jamie Lee, the two of them will drink strong coffee in comfortable quiet every morning.

Greta Gerwig


Greta Gerwig is oddly luxuriously sexy. She’s wrapped in soft, strong elegance. She’s a strong warm wind, a lighthouse, an eagle.

It’s a passionate gentleman who desires Greta. He’s romantic, and has a strong grip on life – and he has excellent taste in pants. He likes pasta dishes, and he owns a record player. He doesn’t use any hair products, but he’s not unaware that he might some day. He wants to spend a lot of time telling her she’s beautiful and watching her hear him. He wants to take long drives. When he’s with Greta, he will often sweep her hair out of her face. She may or may not like that, but that’s how he’d like it to go.

Feel weirdly into these ladies on Portable.

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