February 19, 2013

Seth MacFarlane is hosting the Oscars this coming Sunday, February 27th. And that’s all well and good – I’m sure he’ll do a bunch of voices, we’ll get to hear Stewie make fun of Ben Affleck, and there’ll be lots of song and dance-y times. But the Oscars have rarely nailed the hosting gig (with the exception of Ann Hathaway and James Franco – LOVED them), and I personally have some ideas to shake things up/make them way, way better. Here are 5 people/pairs who would never host the Oscars except in my dreams, but who would absolutely kill.

Rebel Wilson and Kristen Wig


On their own, Rebel Wilson and Kristen Wiig are two of the most uniquely funny people on the planet. Rebel can steal a movie with a weird head movement and an under-her-breath comment; Kristen can dominate entire seasons of SNL with tiny hands and nasal-y voices. At the Golden Globes, Kristen became my everything when she riffed during her presentation with Will Ferrell. Combine that improv sensibility with Rebel’s amazing standup, and you have an Oscars telecast for the ages.

Louis CK


Louis CK would never host the Oscars. He looked so uncomfortable at the Emmys – when he won twice – that I felt really weird about it. But if he did? I would want so badly for him to show up in his typical stand up outfit of jeans and a dark t-shirt and just go off on people. And do pieces of his act in between presenting. And ok, I guess what I’m saying is that I just want to watch a Louis standup special instead of the Oscars, but come on – think about the magic that could happen from combining the two!

Sasha and Malia


I don’t know what this would be like, except that I would love it desperately. If there’s one thing the Obamas have done well, it’s been shielding their girls from the public eye, and as a result, I don’t feel like I really know them. But I want to! Especially after the moment when Malia yawned – cutely, perfectly – at the inauguration, I’m just SURE that they’re awesome. And so adorable. And I bet they would do a great job reading the cue cards, and reveal themselves to be comic geniuses. And we’d all feel united and warm and like a family that had produced two beautiful, talented daughters who were succeeding right in front of our eyes.

Sophia Grace and Rosie


These ladies have already proven themselves over and over again to be not only insanely talented for their tiny ages, but also quite good at dealing with talented people. Witness the video above, in which Ellen – bless her heart – sent them to the Grammys. That red carpet poise! It’s like nothing I’ve seen from an actual red carpet interviewer! Plus, Sophia Grace could break up the boring awards with songs and rapping, and maybe at some point Rosie would sit down and eat a snack on stage. It would be delightful.

Dee and Mack from It’s Always Sunny


To go in another direction, what about these two? I think the best part of a Dee/Mack hosting gig would be watching them fight. They’d feel really inadequate and resentful of all the celebrities, and then they’d take it out on each other. They’d try to win stars over as they came up the stage, but end up ruthlessly insulting people. They’d never have seen any of the nominated movies, and would be unable to stop themselves from saying “Well, that sounds dumb” when they read the descriptions. It would be a shit show: the best shit show of all time.

See what the 2013 Oscars COULD have been like at Portable.

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